The office car guy

"CalzoneGolem" (calzonegolem) 02/05/2019 at 11:46 • Filed to: None

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Like many of you I’ve been the office car guy for awhile dispensing car advice to those that ask. P eople have sought my opinion on what car they should by and I’ll usually suggest a Prius unless they have an idea already then I usually just try to tell them good things about the car they’ve already decided on.

Recently a coworker was thinking about buying a truck. He really wants a Raptor but they are out of his price range. So we chatted about trucks and he also likes they top of the line Ram. I suggested Toyota and he stopped my real quick. He had a “v4" C amry like 20 years and it was too slow. Hey, Ford makes nice trucks that aren’t Raptors.

Please share below me in the doobly- doo your gems advice seekers have told you the office car guy

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:01

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One of the other drafters here is a car guy, if not into as many of the technical details, my cube-neighbor (programmer) does a fair bit of wrenching, and the packaging/insulating/assembly guy, the machining guy, and the head of sheet metal are all car guys (Ford, Chevy, Chevy in that order, IIRC), so I only end up in asking-me-questions situations on esoterica.

Like when the sheet metal guy wanted to know proper procedure on a Rover V8 with “head gasket” issues.

sony1492 > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:01

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“Should I buy a 92 7 series that needs a torque converter?”

“its a v6" in regard to a 1972 landcruiser that hes rebuilding. Same guy that had me explain how a fuel return and feed line are routed and why, and needed my help mating a transmission to a motor he already pulled.

CalzoneGolem > sony1492 02/05/2019 at 12:04

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The answer was yes ... wasn’t it?

CalzoneGolem > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 02/05/2019 at 12:05

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KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:06

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I hear “V4" at least once every 6 months from friends/family/coworkers.

There was one acquaintance a few years back who really really wanted a Subaru sedan, because of the ads maybe? Dead set on either Legacy or Impreza. I gave him advice on everything- what is difference between FWD and AWD, how the AWD system works, importance of tires, What’s a boxer engine, What is a CVT is how it works, 3.6 or 2.5 or 2.0 engine, how to negotiate with the dealer- thru email, in person, where to get financing, texting back and forth over several days....

He ended up with a Corolla because he got a good deal. When he told me I simply texted “OK, good.”

way2blu does a rev update > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:08

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Not advice-related, but one time I found a very lifted & off-road looking truck on 35” tires parked next to me at my school. It was an F-150... 2WD. Not a SPOT of dirt anywhere on it.

I’m glad I never met the driver, because I’d have probably advised him/her to buy a Honda Fit. 

The Dummy Gummy > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 02/05/2019 at 12:09

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Damn, that stings just reading it.

sony1492 > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:11

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“ Not for money"

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:11

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“If the heads aren’t warped and you can check them for true, and you can be sure that it was the head gasket and not a liner/ porosity issue , and if you can go back with composite gaskets and ARP studs, and if it wasn’t overheated... then maybe you can bring it back.”

Guess which of the above was followed. Just guess.

Hint: It starts with “N”

Further hint: ...and ends with “one of the above”

Azrek > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:16

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Folks come to me as I have the only sports car in the parking lot of trucks and urban soccer mom assault vehicles.
But I explain to them...I love cars. I really love cars. If you ask me, I will direct you to something sporty and fun. So if you want a basic Camry or a Nissan Altima, don’t ask me. 

CalzoneGolem > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 02/05/2019 at 12:17

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This is why I lead with a Prius. 

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:17

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no stories from me... im the quiet troll in the back of the shop that growls at people coming near my bessie :p

i did have a good giggle to meself when the young uns were having a my cars faster than yours brag off

the winner had a whopping 147hp

welcome to europe

(ive gotten a little jaded round these parts :p)

(would still buy another 40hp tincan in a heartbeat)

(just wouldnt pretend its fast)

412GTI > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:20

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A co-worker of mine found out I used to be in the car business and asked some questions since their Volvo lease was ending. Cool. I told them my advice on leasing and how not to put anything down, especially not a large amount like 3-4k.

Should have seen the look on their face! I’m guessing they’ve been doing that for years and getting crappy deals. Anyways, they asked what cars would be comparable to the new S60 (since it was still a few months out). I gave them the standard options and also suggest the nice new Accord and Mazda6.

Well...they came back with a leased Buick Encore lol. 

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:20

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My boss owns a supercharged Z4M, and is currently on the fence between a 992 Carrera S or an F-Type SVR... Our CEO has a new 911 4S convertible - in Chalk with a dark red soft top. =)

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:20

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I find people who want a Prius are pretty confident in their choices and rarely ask others for validation. It’s the folks who can’t decide between a Camry and an Accord/ CR-V or Rav-4 who are the problem.

CalzoneGolem > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 02/05/2019 at 12:21

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I need 40hp tin can. 

vicali > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:21

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Co-worker and I are both car guys, he’s a die hard german fan; 3 series, X3, now he’s got a nice GL350.

One of the higher-ups stopped us in the hall for car talk, she mentioned that she too was a german car fan, and she drove one related to his;

Daimler Chrysler Pacifica.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:22

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guess we do have a lot more of them to choose from over here than you guys do

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:22

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I’ve talked two of my coworkers into buying bridgstone WS80 snow tires for their subaru outbacks. They are very happy.

One of my co-workers (years ago) was showing me his new to him Civic and after pooping the hood I showed him that it used to be purple, at least the front half. He was not amused.

I talked one of my coworkers into a 2015 Subaru Outback, she bought the limited and is very happy with the car.

I tried to talk someone out of buying a Mercedes sprinter, they didn’t listen and it’s currently at the dealer with a borked engine.

One of my coworkers daily drives a mustang cobra, he is Cool AF.

CalzoneGolem > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 02/05/2019 at 12:23

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I feel like t he folks who can’t decide between a Camry and an Accord/ CR-V or Rav-4 would probably be happy with a Prius.

CalzoneGolem > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 02/05/2019 at 12:23

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That’s a different kind of work environment.

CalzoneGolem > 412GTI 02/05/2019 at 12:24

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I love it when what the are thinking about, what you suggest and what they bring home are three disparate sets.

CalzoneGolem > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 02/05/2019 at 12:26

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I just realized that I have a tin can with mor e than 40hp.
*points at avatar*

CalzoneGolem > vicali 02/05/2019 at 12:26

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Savage

412GTI > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:28

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I shake my head every time, but it seems to happen to every “Office Car Guy” 

Tripper > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:30

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I am definitely the office car guy. I gladly help people with their cars in the parking lot, give them advice on where to take their cars for service, and provide them with entertaining stories about my cars when they ask.

When it comes to helping someone choose a new car. I tell them that I’m a car snob and to just buy what they really want. I also tell them not to let things like gas mileage, electronic features, or perceived quality sway their decision from a car they are otherwise in love with.  

If they’re buying something used and it’s something I am very knowledgeable about, I will provide guidance.

In my not humble opinion (the one I keep to myself) , n ew cars are whack. At least u ntil you hit the $100k neighborhood, still most of those are whack too. Tesla’s are whack. Really anything that isn’t really pretty and really fast is a Buick to me. Obviously there are exceptions.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:32

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lol yep... thats a tin can :)

promoted by the color red > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 02/05/2019 at 12:33

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That about sums up my attempt to help a friend buy a car. I spent a week just trying to figure out what he wanted out of his next car other than “idk”. Then we spent several hours trying to identify the ideal Forester and whether or not I felt the options were worth buying.

He got cold feet just emailing dealers because he wasn’t sure if he was ready to make this level  of a commitment and wanted to buy the $15000 Elantra that fulfilled zero of his needs (but was cheap!). I talked (with coarse language because I was exhausted by this point and quite drunk ) him into at least getting a quote.

Now that he entered the dealer showroom he almost bought the car on the spot when I asked him to get the pricing breakdown because he got “scared” and the pressure got to him. Fortunately he didn’t, and then more back-and-forth where I had to explain things like maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to drive across the country to save a few hundred bucks .

He ended up buying the Forester, so that worked out. Now he’s wondering why he only gets 28 mpg when he does a 2.5 mile commute in the dead of winter in a SUV that hasn’t finished its break-in miles.

Oh well.

Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:37

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It’s not the office lately; it’s my mother in law. The in-laws have a nice Highlander and a 12-14 year old Corolla S. My mother in law has been talking about replacing it for probably 2 years and gone all over the map.

The father in law drives the corolla s a lot for work travel. But it’s really mother in laws car.

She keeps striking up conversations about cars but she seems to want it all and just has generally goofy perceptions . She thinks Nissans are NICE. She wants a hybrid. She thinks ground clearance and AWD would be good for Minnesota winters. Father in law is 6’6”, so something roomy. But they also got the corolla for cheap and want to get another more budget friendly car.

I have usually just re-affirmes whatever her current leanings are. But she’s gone through so many different thoughts so I think she’s confused why my opinions are changing.

CalzoneGolem > Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle 02/05/2019 at 12:44

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My MIL was talking about buying an SUV and I tried to steer her towards a wagon but she wasn’t going to have a wagon ever ever EVER!

She came home with an Audi Allroad.

It get’s even better because her brother was the one that sold her the car.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 12:49

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Me to my coworker: “Only morons buy new 370Z’s, there are so many other choices on the market that are better.”

Coworker *Drops $35k on a 10 year old car*

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 13:26

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Man I love threads like this. Unfortunately around here people only want advice on SUVs, and then I typically tell them they should buy a minivan. The excuse is always kids.

Otherwise I don't see why I couldn't just punch a button that plays a recording saying "Honda Fit"

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > promoted by the color red 02/05/2019 at 13:28

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I swear for guys like that maybe I’ll just tell him to pay Tom McP to handle it. Im a little tired of dealing with people who get “scared” just to ask questions.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 02/05/2019 at 13:30

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Pooping the hood should be more of a thing.

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > Tripper 02/05/2019 at 13:30

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I just like your use of the word whack.

GLiddy > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 13:32

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I tried this too many times.  I quit giving car advice because everyone just goes and does what the hell they want to do anyway.  You’re advice is a waste of air.  They will put 100x more confidence in the car salesman at the dealer they walked into than they will to you.  “He’s a professional!” (like that means a damn thing...the same guy was selling appliances at the bankrupt Sears last month).  Enough ranting, but yeah, just keep suggesting Priuses and Toyota trucks and move on with your life.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 02/05/2019 at 13:36

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It’s the beats that make it purple.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 13:45

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You could say that. 

ZHP Sparky, the 5th > vicali 02/05/2019 at 13:48

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I hope you being a Japanese car fan then popped in to the conversation saying that your Subaru is practically a German car too, since Porsche uses that same engine!

ZHP Sparky, the 5th > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 02/05/2019 at 13:50

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I’m going to use this example as evidence that I am being subjected to a hostile work environment. My coworker who sits next to me, boss, and boss’s boss all drive Ford F-150s. It is wrong and against my beliefs and I’m being pressured to comply!

What happened to the company’s diversity goals, HUH?! 

Tripper > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 02/05/2019 at 13:50

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My office parking lot is full of LuxoSUV’s S class’s and convertible 911s. Whack, whack, and double whack. A bunch of the lower level employees are just enamored by Tesla. There are however a few cool guys. A motorcycle/corvette guy who is my personal favorite, two kids fresh out of school one with a Toyota 86 and the other with a 3 pedal Saturn Sky. Then there is a guy who just borrows office space from us, hes a friend of one of the founders and he has two late 60's Fiat 124's.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > ZHP Sparky, the 5th 02/05/2019 at 13:52

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Haha!

Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 14:11

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It’s a good thing she didn’t get a wagon!

shop-teacher > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 14:13

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I typically just tell them to buy whatever they like best. U nless they want something horrible, then I try to steer them away.

The most recent was a friend of my wife’s, who came to me with a list of 1/2 dozen small CUVs she was interested in . I don’t remember the list anymore, but the Jeep Patriot was on it. I told her, “Buy whichever one you like best, these will all be fine. Except the Jeep Patriot. If you tell me you’re on your way to buy a Patriot, I will tackle you.”

She, of course, bought a Jeep Patriot. Which she tried and failed to Lemon Law. She’s also that dumb Facebook frien d who is compelled to post how amazing her Jeep is every time it snows. Even though she hates the thing, because it’s a piece of shit.

BeaterGT > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 14:20

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Oh, t he things I hear from the in-office Tesla Proletariat. They love comparing their Model S to my seventeen- year old C5Z but dare I bring up the times they forgot to charge their car...

vicali > ZHP Sparky, the 5th 02/05/2019 at 14:22

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Good thing I didn’t buy a Routan, we’d all be twins!

CalzoneGolem > shop-teacher 02/05/2019 at 15:17

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Ouch man that stings from here.

CalzoneGolem > Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle 02/05/2019 at 15:18

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When I saw it I was like oh, I thought you didn’t want a wagon. Then she attempted to argue it was not a wagon, realized it was and then stopped. 

CalzoneGolem > Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies 02/05/2019 at 15:20

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What 10 year old car did he spend $ 35k on?

shop-teacher > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 15:22

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I ultimately unsubscribed from her on FB. She’s turned into a dirtbag anyways. She’s trying to get on disability because she just caaaaaan’t work because of her terribly awful bad back (guess which kind of pills she’s add icted to) ... but she regularly runs Tough Mudders. She deserves that Jeep and everything it begets her.

I really wish my wife wasn’t friends with her.

CalzoneGolem > shop-teacher 02/05/2019 at 15:28

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You had me at “She, of course, bought a Jeep Patriot.”  

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 15:36

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Said 2018 370Z

CalzoneGolem > Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies 02/05/2019 at 15:59

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O k I get ya ... it’s a 10 year old design.

feather-throttle-not-hair > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 16:55

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Heh, at least two out of the four of us working in my immediate area know more about cars than I do. I’ve loved cars my entire life, we have some nerdy ass conversations. 

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > vicali 02/05/2019 at 17:03

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A BMW dealer near me uses a Routan with BMW badges instead of VW ones as a shuttle 

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 17:06

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I like my “office”. We all give advice to other coworkers and it’s generally the same. Go buy an old 210 or lease a new E-class.

We’re mostly all of the same opinions and all have similar levels of automotive knowledge. Makes sense I guess 

shop-teacher > CalzoneGolem 02/05/2019 at 17:09

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It says a lot, doesn’t it? :)

promoted by the color red > VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely 02/05/2019 at 17:55

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I thought about roping in Mr. McParland, but I feel that he would be very exasperated and in need of a long vacation when all’s said and done because I know I needed one...

What do you want out of a car?

I don’t know, I want a Tesla.

So buy a Tesla.

But I don’t want to pay for a Tesla.

OK. Out of the cars on your list, which makes you the happiest?

A Tesla.

So buy a Tesla.

But I don’t want to buy a Tesla.

So look at a Forester .

But the Forester costs so much. I’m scared to spend so much money on a car even though it fulfills my needs. I think I will buy a completely different car.

(Repeat this exchange ad nauseum for several days.)

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > promoted by the color red 02/05/2019 at 20:57

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While that sounds frankly insane, Mr. McP would be on the clock at least. I think your free time is valuable.